Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dear new dad from the doctor's office

Dear sir,

I didn't know what was going to entertain me when I arrived at my doctor's appointment a full half hour early by accident today. But there you were, you and your bewildered wife and newborn, with a seemingly endless selection of baby clothing, snacks, diapers, toys and small appliances, all packed into a stroller that is in fact the same size as my sister's car.

I assumed you had just gotten to the office and were waiting for your appointment, but then I realized that you had actually finished your appointment, and were preparing to leave. I tried to pretend I was texting but I could not tear my eyes away as you unpacked your stroller. I was particularly impressed when you pulled out an electric bottle warmer, and proceeded to unplug some sort of medical-looking monitor-type machine, to plug your bottle warmer in.

When the bottle was warm, after you and your wife took turns testing the temperature on your wrists, I'm sorry the baby only wanted approximately 0.0001 ml of milk before he began screaming again.

Having no children myself, I'm sure it's all very confusing so I understand how you and your wife needed to loudly debate whether the baby had farted or pooped for close to 15 minutes. When your wife finally convinced you that he'd pooped, I think you were right when you told her that changing him on the seat of one of the chairs in the office would be "too germy" for him, and that putting a blanket over the magazines on the coffee table was a much better idea.

I think everyone was sorry when you announced that you had to leave for work. By the way, did you know that you emptied the water from the bottle warmer into the pot of an artificial plant? Let's just be thankful that you didn't get any on those twinkle lights they had on the plant!

I got called in for my appointment shortly after that, but when I returned, your wife was still there, packing up. When I left, she was trying to figure out how to hook the detachable car seat thing back onto the stroller. I asked her if she wanted some help but she said "no thanks" in a voice that indicated that she really wasn't very happy.

I hope your wife got out of the office and on her way soon after that, and that you had a great afternoon at work. Maybe I'll see you guys when I go back for my follow-up appointment!